Ruminations on Life, and other cereals

The country is facing a lot of major issues these days. The Economy. Health care reform. Gay rights. Africanized honey bees. Maybe that's why, lately, I've been thinking hard about one of the weightier issues we all deal with on a daily basis: what to have for breakfast.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but as true-blue Americans, the matter isn't so much what to have for breakfast, but which kind of cereal we should choose. We already know breakfast is the most important meal of the day. (Why? Because they say so and we all know who they are). Let's face it, if beef is what's for dinner, cold cereal and milk are what's for breakfast.

Every morning it's the same dilemma. You wake up, scratch the parts that itch, and stumble wearily from the bed to the kitchen. You open the cupboard and for five minutes, while your bleary eyes attempt to focus, you stare at the boxes lined neatly on the shelf. For a moment you consider Cheerios. Every patriotic American family has at least one box of Cheerios in the cupboard, which may or may not have been purchased within the past 24 months. Instead, you reach for the Lucky Charms first, but you take the Cheerios box too, because you'll need something to read as you ingest your Irish symbols of luck drenched in skim milk (to assuage your conscience). Besides, you reason, Lucky Charms is made with whole grain oats, and oat bran is the active ingredient in Cheerios that has been known to reverse colon cancer, pinkeye and athlete's foot in Siamese rats.

But I digress. The purpose of this article is to inform you all that, after 35 years of painstaking research and personal expense, I have discovered the top 10 best breakfast cereals and, for the good of society, I will now share this list with you all. So here it is:

1) Life Cereal, by Quaker
It's all about the oats -- whole grain oats. Life is a wonderful blend of oat-y goodness and sweet (but not too sweet) flavor. Life is crunchy, but it won't tear your mouth to shreds like Capn Crunch. If Life has one drawback, it's that it goes soggy a little too quickly, but the serious cereal eater won't have a problem. Two variations on this theme - Cinnamon Life and Maple & Brown Sugar Life, are also amazing when your morning tooth is feeling a little sweet. Anyway, two million horses can't be wrong -- eat oats.

2) Wheaties, by General Mills
I still remember the first champion I noticed on a Wheaties box: Olympian Bruce Jenner. Maybe it was the distinguished first name that caught my eye, but by the time I'd finished the bowl, I knew that I, too, was a champion. It's hard to go wrong with that crispy caramelized-wheat flavor, and with endorsements from Michael Jordan to Tiger Woods, you know you're in good company when you eat this cereal. Drawbacks: They haven't put a picture of me on the box yet...

3) Reeses Puffs, by General Mills
From a purist's point of view, this is the first truly "sweet" cereal on the list, although arguably the first two could be classified as sweet. I do admit that the top 3 each have enough sugar to last the average human being for a week; however, I classify "sweet" cereals based on one criterion only: would I have dumped extra sugar on it as kid? Today I don't add sugar to any cereal (not even Grape Nuts), but as a boy, if my mom didn't stop me I'd add so much sugar to corn flakes or Cheerios that when I was done the "milk" was nothing more than a white syrupy sludge. Where was I? Oh yes, Reese's Puffs. What can I say? The "General" nailed it with this amazing blend of Peanut Butter Cups meets Capn Crunch. Drawbacks: Do NOT buy more than one box at a time; this cereal is more addictive than crystal meth (I've heard).

4) Frosted Mini-Wheats - Blueberry Muffin, by Kellogs
Number four is basically a tie between Cinnamon Streusel Shredded Wheat, basic Frosted Shredded Wheat and Blueberry Muffin Shredded Wheat, but the blueberries put the latter just over the top. Wow. Your taste buds will sing your praises when you spoon this stuff into your mouth. Drawbacks: You don't want to know what happens to this cereal if left sitting in milk too long.

5) Golden Grahams, by General Mills
The General gave us a winning formula with this cereal and no mistake. Those perfectly formed golden ridges with "just a titch of golden honey" makes me, smilin' wanna say... and I forget the rest of the jingle, but who cares - the cereal is amazing. Drawbacks: Almost too crunchy at first, but they do soften nicely in milk.

6) Chex, by General Mills
It's hard to argue with cereal that is this versatile. What's your mood? Chex has got something for every morning: corn, rice, wheat - you've got it. And in the evening you can throw a killer when you bust out the Chex Party Mix! Cinnamon Chex are really good on a sweet morning. Drawbacks: A little bland after the second or third morning in a row -- try mixing them together for a nice change.

7) Cracklin' Oat Bran by Kellogs
Don't be fooled by its appearance - this is not animal food! Healthful meets wild n' crazy. This cereal is a fantastic blend of texture, savory taste and aroma (you'll smell it before it hits the bottom of the bowl as you pour). Speaking of poor, that is probably what you'll be after you buy this cereal. There is a reason why most supermarkets have banks inside -- they opened up shop when Kellogs introduced this cereal, so would-be buyers could up their line of credit, mortgage their homes, etc. It's almost worth it, though. Drawbacks: Already mentioned.

8) Honey Nut Cheerios, by General Mills
I'll go ahead and lump Cheerios in here, too. They're both classics, but drawbacks include post-breakfast breath (hopefully you're going to brush anyway, but...) and over-exposure in church.

9) Kellogs Corn Flakes
You just can't say "Corn Flakes, by Kellogs." Kellogs is corn flakes, and corn flakes = Kellogs. It's an American tradition, like baseball and apple pie. I'm surprised you can't buy corn flakes at MLB stadiums, and I'm sure there's a recipe for pie crust that involves corn flakes. We coated our oven-baked chicken in corn flakes the other day. Drawbacks: They can spike your blood sugar faster than a visit to Cold Stone Creamery -- my diabetic uncle told me so.

10) Lucky Charms, by General Mills
Ahh, the luck o' the Irish! Again, it's back to the oats, and it doesn't hurt to mix in some of those magical colored marshmallows, either. Too bad they're almost as crunchy as the cereal itself. Drawbacks: Have been known to cause strange colors to appear as noticed when brushing teeth or taking care of other bodily business.

Honorable mention: Capn Crunch, and its varieties. They might have made the top ten, but the drawback of cutting your mouth to ribbons dropped them out. But as one friend who defended them once said, "Hey, breakfast just isn't breakfast unless shards of flesh are hanging from the roof of your mouth when you're done."

Worst cereals:
-Fruity Pebbles. Yuck! They remind me of the syrupy white sludge when I added too much sugar as a kid, except the sludge isn't white. My roommate let me try a bowl at college (they're his favorite) and I quit after two bites.

-Apple Jacks. OK, they actually taste pretty good, but don't smell them!

-All Bran. I think that it really IS horse food. It tastes and feels like someone swept the floor of a barn and dumped it into a box.

And there you have it -- the best (and worst) breakfast cereals in America. And now that THAT issue is behind us, we can get back to other important issues of national security, like - did David Archuleta get jobbed in that final American Idol vote, or what??